You are in two places; actually your mind is. You are scared of something that is gonna happen maybe now or maybe in the future.
Things that have happened in the past are coming and haunting you: just because you let down your parents once while you were in sixth grade - since then you have been cruel to yourself. You have always done what they have told you to, never went and done the things that you have wanted which made you the master of suppressing your feelings. That is what you have learnt and done since then - just because of one mistake and the way they handled it. You let it define you!
So now you don’t know how to take a stand for yourself. It is not like you don’t love your parents or anything but since you have never done something for yourself and always done what they said - there are now unspoken rules that are accepted. So now when you do anything new; even for yourself or do something that does not harm you in any way to you or them - there are hundreds of questions. And then in the midst of all that you forget why you wanted to do that in the first place. Then again - you succumb to whatever they have said then: that’s it. End of story and conversation.
You do not want to hurt anyone but then maybe you just want something for yourself, and when you do that - just because there is so much resistance on whether they like it or not, or what would someone say, or simply a matter of trust or anything else - you lose the desire to do it anyway. And then at the end of the day what happens is you lay there in your bed, looking at the ceiling and question every decision you have made -actually no, you have not made any decision: you just followed what was told: and then you sometimes cry yourself to sleep. Is this how it is supposed to be? I guess not. But then the way out of this? Is there any?
Whenever you question all of this or even talk to your mom about this there is a lump in your throat, feels like there are shards and you start crying. And the worse part is they think about reasons for this with a completely unrelated matter, and that is what breaks you. Can’t you have one thing in life which means something to you? Even though you cannot have it for a long time, and you know that. But as it is said - A thing is not beautiful because it lasted: it is because it did not.
That’s it. That is all that is needed to be said.